We search our whole lives for a spouse, companion, husband, or wife and the people around us always tell us in our quest to first find ourselves and love will find us. Have you ever been so in sync with someone who you notice that they are just like you? You can complete each other’s sentences, you know what he wants on his plate at Thanksgiving, you know how she’ll react to a statement that was made… You’re so in sync with a friend that it’s almost like that person is you? That’s your soul mate; that person is you, in a sense.
When seeking love we often say we’re looking for our soul mate. Someone who we connect to on a higher level. This person is rare and some people never meet themselves, they just find the closest thing to them and fall in love. But some people, .like myself and a couple of others I know, were fortunate enough to find ourselves in someone else and the love shared is magical. I found myself in male form and he was such a beautiful spirit, not perfect at all but beautiful nonetheless. I knew from the moment I noticed me in him that I had to keep him, but I didn’t. I knew when I noticed me in him that he would get lost and confused and take what seemed to be the easier road. I felt when I noticed him in me that I wouldn’t express my anger directly to him, I’d just say whatever, bottle it up, and move on. But I knew when I noticed more of him in me that I’d have to completely walk away from him in order to continue to move on. I’ve met my soulmate, and the love was like a raging fire burning beautifully inside of an ocean, unexplainable. The connection was so rare, the feelings so strong, that we could not handle it so we called it lust and backed away. The connection was so magnetic that backing away took so much strength, strength that neither of us had. I had to be strong for the two of us, so I was… I knew if I backed away, he’d do the same; see I know him. He is me.
Potential… Have you ever fell for someone’s “could be”? It’s really easy to do. You have someone that talks the talk, walks the walk… or at least some of the talk and some of the walk… yeah. Don’t do it again! What if that person never lives up to that potential? Like you’re waiting around for them to see how dope they could be but they’re more complacent than dope. Like dude, your complacency out weighs your dopeness? Potential will have you waiting around forever. Seeing and falling for someone’s potential is worst than someone asking you to wait for them. At least when someone ask you to wait they know they have potential and they’re giving you a head’s up that you’ll be waiting. When you fall for someone’s potential you don’t even realize you’re waiting for something. It’s like getting trapped, tangled, intertwined in a self woven web. You did this to yourself. Admitting it is the hardest step. And you know when you’ve fallen for potential because you find yourself defending that person’s dopeness with conversations like “girl, Sean is so smart. He fixed the tv last week and now he’s thinking about going back to school. He is way too brilliant to not have finished his engineering degree. He just hates homework, ya know.” But wait… “Bruh my baby can do your girls hair. She’s always doing her homegirls hair before the club. I’ve been trying to get her to get a cosmetology degree but she’s straight on that.”
Talents were given to us to use, not waste. Don’t fall for the man you know he could be, especially when he doesn’t know who he could be, fall for who he is and nurture what you see in him. Don’t fall for what you think she might be, nurture it until she sees it. If she never sees it, it’s okay to lover her from a distance. Don’t sit around and wait for anyone to be all they can be, they may never become what you see. You may be vision impaired!
I’m sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm crying and thinking about how Being Mary Jane relates to my life… I am Mary Jane… I never destroyed a marriage but I’ve had someone get close to me… I want my David tho, even tho Andre is sexy… But I want David, flaws and all; struggle and all; I just want David… Why can’t love just be simple?? Why is it that we, man or woman, have to lose something great to realize how amazing it was?? Why is communication so hard?? Why can’t he just read my mind, see my heart and know he’s there… My heart to him should be a mirror… Yeah, a mirror. The eyes are the window to the soul….my eyes should be a mirror… But his mirror. No one knows that I put on a facade, no one knows that I’m not truly happy. I’m almost there tho, I’m damn close!! I’m just missing true love. I’m a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve when my David is around. With others…. fuck what you say and how you feel, but David… He makes me weak… With his eyes he can reach into me and and take all that is me… But he doesn’t… I don’t even know if he knows what power he has for real. I know he shouldn’t have this power but isn’t that apart of love?? Shouldn’t you be vulnerable to your soul mate?? That’s how you make the relationship work!! You both have to strip yourself of pride, arrogance, everything!! Just be you, if we’re both stripped naked for each other then why wouldn’t it work?? The only way it’ll start to fail is if one of you starts to dress without the other knowing… If she puts on shoes, so should he.. That starts to show caution and maybe even deceit… “Why be cautious when we’re both giving our full selves to this” becomes the question… I digress… But I’m only writing still because “David” is probably at work or sleeping and hasn’t responded to me having stripped myself naked for him… Love is patient tho… Should I really be this patient?? The more I think about this I wonder if I should post this or not… Should I strip for my readers?? Do you deserve all of me or just my artistic piece?? I won’t be selfish, I’m feeling really vulnerable right now so I’ll let you in as well. I’m sure a poem is coming from this… But not now… He has consumed my every thought, breath, motion… If I try to write tonight, it’ll just be his name…. My David…
My soul misses the fire you brought to it
Due to my mistakes your passion is gone
My heart misses the peace you showered upon it
Because of its fragile state, peace is done
His past hinders our future
So you are not to blame
For my holding backs
My panic attacks
Are the cause of my true loves pain
You’ve always been there for me
As close as a friend could be
But our future cannot come to pass
Until I can have time to fix me