Soul Searching

We search our whole lives for a spouse, companion, husband, or wife and the people around us always tell us in our quest to first find ourselves and love will find us. Have you ever been so in sync with someone who you notice that they are just like you? You can complete each other’s sentences, you know what he wants on his plate at Thanksgiving, you know how she’ll react to a statement that was made… You’re so in sync with a friend that it’s almost like that person is you? That’s your soul mate; that person is you, in a sense.

When seeking love we often say we’re looking for our soul mate. Someone who we connect to on a higher level. This person is rare and some people never meet themselves, they just find the closest thing to them and fall in love. But some people, .like myself and a couple of others I know, were fortunate enough to find ourselves in someone else and the love shared is magical. I found myself in male form and he was such a beautiful spirit, not perfect at all but beautiful nonetheless. I knew from the moment I noticed me in him that I had to keep him, but I didn’t. I knew when I noticed me in him that he would get lost and confused and take what seemed to be the easier road. I felt when I noticed him in me that I wouldn’t express my anger directly to him, I’d just say whatever, bottle it up, and move on. But I knew when I noticed more of him in me that I’d have to completely walk away from him in order to continue to move on. I’ve met my soulmate, and the love was like a raging fire burning beautifully inside of an ocean, unexplainable. The connection was so rare, the feelings so strong, that we could not handle it so we called it lust and backed away. The connection was so magnetic that backing away took so much strength, strength that neither of us had. I had to be strong for┬áthe two of us, so I was… I knew if I backed away, he’d do the same; see I know him. He is me.

Potential Love

Potential… Have you ever fell for someone’s “could be”? It’s really easy to do. You have someone that talks the talk, walks the walk… or at least some of the talk and some of the walk… yeah. Don’t do it again! What if that person never lives up to that potential? Like you’re waiting around for them to see how dope they could be but they’re more complacent than dope. Like dude, your complacency out weighs your dopeness? Potential will have you waiting around forever. Seeing and falling for someone’s potential is worst than someone asking you to wait for them. At least when someone ask you to wait they know they have potential and they’re giving you a head’s up that you’ll be waiting. When you fall for someone’s potential you don’t even realize you’re waiting for something. It’s like getting trapped, tangled, intertwined in a self woven web. You did this to yourself. Admitting it is the hardest step. And you know when you’ve fallen for potential because you find yourself defending that person’s dopeness with conversations like “girl, Sean is so smart. He fixed the tv last week and now he’s thinking about going back to school. He is way too brilliant to not have finished his engineering degree. He just hates homework, ya know.” But wait… “Bruh my baby can do your girls hair. She’s always doing her homegirls hair before the club. I’ve been trying to get her to get a cosmetology degree but she’s straight on that.”

Talents were given to us to use, not waste. Don’t fall for the man you know he could be, especially when he doesn’t know who he could be, fall for who he is and nurture what you see in him. Don’t fall for what you think she might be, nurture it until she sees it. If she never sees it, it’s okay to lover her from a distance. Don’t sit around and wait for anyone to be all they can be, they may never become what you see. You may be vision impaired!

 

Tug of War

You know what’s fucked up? How you can give a person your all and they still play you in the end. They expect you to be understanding but who said the heart is an understanding organ? That’s not a trait of the heart. Like how many people had plans tomorrow but their heart stopped today? Ain’t no understanding! How many people have children that need them, a family, a friend, a job to go to but their heart was like “so you want me to understand why? Nice explanation but sorry, not today.” Hearts were never meant to understand; the brain though, that’s an understanding organ. That’s why the mind and heart are constantly at war. Love will drive your mind crazy and you’ll want to quit but you won’t. love will break your fucking heart time and time again but because your heart doesn’t understand it’ll allow you to love again. Like why? Why, heart, why would you allow me to go through this pain again? You ever tell yourself that you’ll never love again and you mean it? Like you really mean the shit! Like there is no way on this green Earth I’ll EVER do that dumb shit again… That’s your mind talking. Your mind understands pain; your heart doesn’t until it’s too late. And even then your heart doesn’t get it because you fall again. And each time you fall it seems like you fall harder than before… It’s like that’s the only time your heart and mind work together, when you’re having nostalgic moments of the last time. You remember then the pain strikes your heart again. Ain’t that some shit, your heart can remember but it can’t understand, ha! But you know what’s really fucked up? When the person that causes you all this pain is doing so because their heart and mind are battling as well. Like their heart is doing some shit that they don’t understand but they can’t stop it. Their heart is remembering and it starts to feel good and feel right even though their mind understands that they’re about to fuck up and fuck you up in the process! Like why? Why!

This damn emotional heart of mine just wants everything to feel good and be right but my mind is telling me it won’t happen in this situation and I should just keep moving. How can my heart and brain be in the same body and not listen to each other? Who else do you have to listen to? Heart who has your attention, who’s distracting you from brain? And brain, dude, get it together. Please explain to heart why y’all need to work together, figure this shit out and quick! I really can’t take too much more of your disagreements. I can’t take this heartbreaking feeling anymore…

Help me…

Somebody take my heart from me

I’m sure I can live without it

I need lungs to breath

A brain to think

My heart just hurts…

So somebody take my heart from me…

Somebody take my feelings from me

Not my senses just my feelings…

They are becoming worthless because they keep falling into the wrong hands

Hands of the man that never wanted to touch

Hands of the man that only wanted to touch

Hands of the man, well the boy, that won’t grow up

Just stand up

Be straight up

Man up

If exploration of my body is the topic

Tell me

If exploration of my soul is the object

Show me

If you just want to reach back and grab my ass just let it be known by me

See

It’s mine, whatever you want from me, is mine

I choose to give you me and you dine

On the feast that is my mind

my body

my spirit

my heart

my love

All mine

But I took the time

To let my light shine

So my heart you could find

But with that light I became blind

And my heart you missed, my body you did find…

So somebody take my heart from me…

Somebody take my heart from me

I don’t know how to use it

I always lose it

And someone always chooses to misuse it

Which shows me you found it

Cared nothing about it

Beat it

Cheated

It was mistreated

Then stamped “Return to sender”

And my growth you did hinder

Future love is slender

This poor heart is tender

And I can’t fix it…

Clearly I continue to play tricks on it

So somebody take my heart from me

Maybe you can mend it

And if you can, keep it

Allow real feelings to deepen

Allow true love to creep in

Sneak in

Leak in

And strengthen

This weak lone muscle…

So somebody take my heart from me…

Old to me, New to you

Today is one of those days that I just want to be cuddled up, no cell phones, no company, just me and the mister cuddled enjoying each others company. Just laying in love all day enjoying each others random touches, kisses, enjoying each breath he takes as he enjoys mine… Where is love?? Where has it gone?? People don’t respect one another enough anymore to fall in love and stay there. People like really hard in this generation, I don’t fit in here. I should’ve been born earlier when love still mattered….when love was more than just a tattoo on your ringer finger because its cute and celebs have it…. Most girls want a bf and scream about being independent because that’s what music has said is the right thing to be. They get a bf, get a child, leave the man and flip out when he wants to see his child….if you wouldn’t let him love you at least let him love his children. I need a blog…..someone needs to read this but who?? Anyway, I want a husband first and then children so each of my kids will be created out of an endless love, that way we can love our children together and with everything in us, love is the motive…. I don’t even know if real love exists anymore within people for people that they haven’t created themselves. People love money more than their brother but money is the root of all evil which is why we do evil to get it, keep it, and give it. We’ve created an evil nation….we’ve detoured from a Christian based nation to a money rooted nation. Honestly, I think it was set up that way. You needed money to get to this free land and practice your freedom of Christianity… Jack gambled (evil acts) to get money to get to America and the poor guy drowned…Rose could’ve made it work for that man to get on that headboard with her ijs…. But hey, he loved her so much in such a short period of time he sacrificed for her and froze to death…. That’s love!!

Thoughts of Love

Love…. One of the best yet worst feelings in the world. To love someone is to open up and give your all as well be able to accept someone’s all. That may seem easy but to accept someone flaws and all is a lot. That’s accepting them for who they are as well as who they’ll never be. Can you do that? Can any of us do that anymore? Back in the day (we always say back in the day like we actually lived back in “that” day but it’s really our grandparents day) couples could love unconditionally. Women would get with the man of their dreams and love them like he was the last man on earth because they loved that man flaws and all. He could love her endlessly but have a bad addiction like gambling but she’d stick by her man and you couldn’t tell her anything about the man she loved. Flaws and all…. Am I asking to much to be loved flaws and all? I love flaws and all but maybe that’s my flaw since no one else seems to love hard anymore. No matter how many times I get hurt my heart bounces back like no pain was caused in the last test. But trust even when nothing but pain was caused I still never seem to learn to never trust or love again. I just get myself over it and move on… even if it wasn’t real love, just potential to feel real love, it still hurts a little when its over. It’s ok though or as I always say, “it’s cool, I’ll make. I have no other choice”!!