Soul Searching

We search our whole lives for a spouse, companion, husband, or wife and the people around us always tell us in our quest to first find ourselves and love will find us. Have you ever been so in sync with someone who you notice that they are just like you? You can complete each other’s sentences, you know what he wants on his plate at Thanksgiving, you know how she’ll react to a statement that was made… You’re so in sync with a friend that it’s almost like that person is you? That’s your soul mate; that person is you, in a sense.

When seeking love we often say we’re looking for our soul mate. Someone who we connect to on a higher level. This person is rare and some people never meet themselves, they just find the closest thing to them and fall in love. But some people, .like myself and a couple of others I know, were fortunate enough to find ourselves in someone else and the love shared is magical. I found myself in male form and he was such a beautiful spirit, not perfect at all but beautiful nonetheless. I knew from the moment I noticed me in him that I had to keep him, but I didn’t. I knew when I noticed me in him that he would get lost and confused and take what seemed to be the easier road. I felt when I noticed him in me that I wouldn’t express my anger directly to him, I’d just say whatever, bottle it up, and move on. But I knew when I noticed more of him in me that I’d have to completely walk away from him in order to continue to move on. I’ve met my soulmate, and the love was like a raging fire burning beautifully inside of an ocean, unexplainable. The connection was so rare, the feelings so strong, that we could not handle it so we called it lust and backed away. The connection was so magnetic that backing away took so much strength, strength that neither of us had. I had to be strong for the two of us, so I was… I knew if I backed away, he’d do the same; see I know him. He is me.


Potential Love

Potential… Have you ever fell for someone’s “could be”? It’s really easy to do. You have someone that talks the talk, walks the walk… or at least some of the talk and some of the walk… yeah. Don’t do it again! What if that person never lives up to that potential? Like you’re waiting around for them to see how dope they could be but they’re more complacent than dope. Like dude, your complacency out weighs your dopeness? Potential will have you waiting around forever. Seeing and falling for someone’s potential is worst than someone asking you to wait for them. At least when someone ask you to wait they know they have potential and they’re giving you a head’s up that you’ll be waiting. When you fall for someone’s potential you don’t even realize you’re waiting for something. It’s like getting trapped, tangled, intertwined in a self woven web. You did this to yourself. Admitting it is the hardest step. And you know when you’ve fallen for potential because you find yourself defending that person’s dopeness with conversations like “girl, Sean is so smart. He fixed the tv last week and now he’s thinking about going back to school. He is way too brilliant to not have finished his engineering degree. He just hates homework, ya know.” But wait… “Bruh my baby can do your girls hair. She’s always doing her homegirls hair before the club. I’ve been trying to get her to get a cosmetology degree but she’s straight on that.”

Talents were given to us to use, not waste. Don’t fall for the man you know he could be, especially when he doesn’t know who he could be, fall for who he is and nurture what you see in him. Don’t fall for what you think she might be, nurture it until she sees it. If she never sees it, it’s okay to lover her from a distance. Don’t sit around and wait for anyone to be all they can be, they may never become what you see. You may be vision impaired!


Tug of War

You know what’s fucked up? How you can give a person your all and they still play you in the end. They expect you to be understanding but who said the heart is an understanding organ? That’s not a trait of the heart. Like how many people had plans tomorrow but their heart stopped today? Ain’t no understanding! How many people have children that need them, a family, a friend, a job to go to but their heart was like “so you want me to understand why? Nice explanation but sorry, not today.” Hearts were never meant to understand; the brain though, that’s an understanding organ. That’s why the mind and heart are constantly at war. Love will drive your mind crazy and you’ll want to quit but you won’t. love will break your fucking heart time and time again but because your heart doesn’t understand it’ll allow you to love again. Like why? Why, heart, why would you allow me to go through this pain again? You ever tell yourself that you’ll never love again and you mean it? Like you really mean the shit! Like there is no way on this green Earth I’ll EVER do that dumb shit again… That’s your mind talking. Your mind understands pain; your heart doesn’t until it’s too late. And even then your heart doesn’t get it because you fall again. And each time you fall it seems like you fall harder than before… It’s like that’s the only time your heart and mind work together, when you’re having nostalgic moments of the last time. You remember then the pain strikes your heart again. Ain’t that some shit, your heart can remember but it can’t understand, ha! But you know what’s really fucked up? When the person that causes you all this pain is doing so because their heart and mind are battling as well. Like their heart is doing some shit that they don’t understand but they can’t stop it. Their heart is remembering and it starts to feel good and feel right even though their mind understands that they’re about to fuck up and fuck you up in the process! Like why? Why!

This damn emotional heart of mine just wants everything to feel good and be right but my mind is telling me it won’t happen in this situation and I should just keep moving. How can my heart and brain be in the same body and not listen to each other? Who else do you have to listen to? Heart who has your attention, who’s distracting you from brain? And brain, dude, get it together. Please explain to heart why y’all need to work together, figure this shit out and quick! I really can’t take too much more of your disagreements. I can’t take this heartbreaking feeling anymore…


As I awake from my slumber
And I remember my dreams
In a dream world I’ll be draped in nothing but our covers
As the scent of love hovers
Above us
The soft glow of an awakening sky
Creeps upon your eye
And I
Admire your sleeping beauty

As I move through my dream world I roll over to kiss you
And realize I’ve missed you
I hope this isn’t an issue
But I’m smitten by you

As I listen to my dream world birds chirping good morning
As my smile replies ‘how do you do’
I glance over at you
As you murmur ‘I love you’
Yes, I love you too

As I awake from my slumber only to notice
That you’re still just my dream guy
As I gaze upon today’s sky
And sigh…
I’ll miss you until I stumble upon sleep
And we meet and greet
Again while I sleep
In the perfection of my dream world


I’m sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm crying and thinking about how Being Mary Jane relates to my life… I am Mary Jane… I never destroyed a marriage but I’ve had someone get close to me… I want my David tho, even tho Andre is sexy… But I want David, flaws and all; struggle and all; I just want David… Why can’t love just be simple?? Why is it that we, man or woman, have to lose something great to realize how amazing it was?? Why is communication so hard?? Why can’t he just read my mind, see my heart and know he’s there… My heart to him should be a mirror… Yeah, a mirror. The eyes are the window to the soul….my eyes should be a mirror… But his mirror. No one knows that I put on a facade, no one knows that I’m not truly happy. I’m almost there tho, I’m damn close!! I’m just missing true love. I’m a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve when my David is around. With others…. fuck what you say and how you feel, but David… He makes me weak… With his eyes he can reach into me and and take all that is me… But he doesn’t… I don’t even know if he knows what power he has for real. I know he shouldn’t have this power but isn’t that apart of love?? Shouldn’t you be vulnerable to your soul mate?? That’s how you make the relationship work!! You both have to strip yourself of pride, arrogance, everything!! Just be you, if we’re both stripped naked for each other then why wouldn’t it work?? The only way it’ll start to fail is if one of you starts to dress without the other knowing… If she puts on shoes, so should he.. That starts to show caution and maybe even deceit… “Why be cautious when we’re both giving our full selves to this” becomes the question… I digress… But I’m only writing still because “David” is probably at work or sleeping and hasn’t responded to me having stripped myself naked for him… Love is patient tho… Should I really be this patient?? The more I think about this I wonder if I should post this or not… Should I strip for my readers?? Do you deserve all of me or just my artistic piece?? I won’t be selfish, I’m feeling really vulnerable right now so I’ll let you in as well. I’m sure a poem is coming from this… But not now… He has consumed my every thought, breath, motion… If I try to write tonight, it’ll just be his name…. My David…